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Monday, 15 June 2009

When Asking for Forgiveness Is Strength

Last week, President Obama made a very historical and important speech to the Muslim world from Egypt. He basically stated that the United States wanted to start afresh with the Islamic world. Some of his critics such as former Massachusetts governor, Mitt Romney, labeled his travel an “apology tour”. While many Obama supporters may try to quickly recover and say it was not an apology tour, I would ask, “What is wrong with admitting our mistakes?” Why should we disguise the fact that at times we need to apologize?

The theory is that you when you approach other countries or nations with an apologetic tone it is a sign of weakness. You have to declare that you were right even when it was clear that you were wrong. However, if you look at our record in the Middle East, you can see it is far from blameless, whether it has been our failure to address the plight of the Palestinian people, an unjustified war in Iraq, supporting Saddam Hussein in the Iran-Iraq War in the 1980’s, or even worse, events such as the Iran-Contra scandal. We cannot pretend that we have been blameless either in our actions or our rhetoric.

I am proud what Obama is trying to do to reach out to the world community. Perhaps, we need to have some of the same reconciliation in places such as Latin America, which the United States has often used and abused for its own good, without much care for the state of the actual countries. We currently have an administration that is seeking reconciliation; the people who try to accuse of him being weak because of this should be ashamed. When we are willing to admit we have been wrong is the moment we gain strength.

Obviously, this has large implications for our personal lives as well. There is obvioujsly a danger of being overly apologetic and accepting the blame for things you have not done; however, we often find ourselves at fault on the opposite side of the issue- we are not willing to admit our mistakes whether it is out of pride, shame, or stubbornness. . Perhaps our refusal to apologize as a nation signifies something much deeper- our unwillingness in our personal lives to come to terms with our mistakes and shortcomings. However, only when we admit our mistakes to ourselves and to those around us will we be able to heal and grow as a nation and as individuals.

As Obama stated in his speech

" It is easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward; to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path......The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God's vision. Now, that must be our work here on Earth. Thank you. And may God's peace be upon you.
God the Mother

I know the mere mention of God the Mother may make some people feel uncomfortable. However, the idea did not originally come from 20th century feminism or attempts for political correctness. Rather, it dates back to the book of Genesis where the trinity seeks to make mankind into their image both male and female. This aspect of the trinity can be seen when Jesus longs for the city of Jerusalem like a hen longs for it’s chicks. Though languages may use the male reference when referring to God, Dios, etc, ultimately God is both male and female. Why is this important?

It is important for a number of reasons. First of all, it starts to change our views about God. Just close your eyes for a second, and imagine God. What do you see? Most likely see a version of God from paintings you have seen. Probably, an old man with a long white beard. Though we might “know” this is not really the full representation of God, what our actual mental image is ultimately influences what our beliefs are, no matter how subtly. When we just focus on God the father and do not see the feminine side of God, we lose a powerful part of who God is.

Secondly, some people in their attempt to relate to the father have very skewed views because of failed earthly fathers. I have a great father, so I don’t necessarily struggle with this; however, the ability to relate with God the Father is sometimes difficult for people who have been abandoned or hurt by their earthly fathers. I thought it was very intriguing in the book The Shack when the author sees God as an old African-American women. It defied what his beliefs were, but ultimately led him to a side of God that he could ultimately draw near to.

Finally, seeing God as a mother shows us a loving side of God that we might not comprehend if we solely think about God in masculine terms. No matter how loving and great our fathers may have been, there is something about a mother that makes us feel love, care, and compassion in a particularly strong way. Without knowing that love and compassion, we cannot really know God. Though we need to see God as father, we should also concentrate and see God as mother, and perhaps a new understanding will open up to us.

In the book The Return of the Prodigal Son Henri Nouwen makes a very profound point in reference to this topic

“ As I now look a Rembrandt’s old man bending over his returning son and touching his shoulders with his hands, I begin to see not only the father who “clasps his sons in his arms” but also a mother who caresses her child, surrounds him with the warmth or her body, and holds him against the womb from which he sprang. Thus “the return of the prodigal son” becomes the return to God’s womb, the return to the very origins of being..”

“ The mystery, indeed, is that God in her infinitive compassion has linked herself for eternity with the life of her children…whom she has gifted with freedom. This choice causes her grief when they leave; this choice brings her gladness when they return. But her joy will not be complete until all who have received life from her have returned home and gather together around the table prepared for them” (p 100, 102)
Emotional Intelligence: Greedy Churches, Unfaithful Partners, and the Human Rational

Recently, there has been a controversy that has been unravelingin Costa Rica. There is a very large church which has basically been telling people they will become rich if they give money to the church. Local journalists have discovered that the minister has been using this money to make himself wealthy.

In my English class, we were discussing this topic. In the previous class, we were discussing about individuals being locked into relationships where the other person is clearly unfaithful or cares very little. A student gave an example that the smartest girl in the school started dating his cousin, who everyone knew was very unfaithful and dangerous for her to be with. However, no matter what happened, she refused to believe it, up to the point when he got another girl pregnant while they were still dating. The similarity between both of these stories really struck me. The problem is not necessarily our lack of intellectual knowledge, but emotional intelligence and stability. It is mindblowing how some very educated people can become involved in an extremely controlling and abusive relationship, a church which takes advantage of people’s resources, a cause which has no basis in reality, or even something as extreme as a cult. However, though it may appear mindblowing, the truth is- we are all susceptible.

Being trained as an educator, this truth strikes me especially hard. Sometimes, we just think if people know the truth, they can make the right decisions. However, having knowledge and having emotional intelligence are two completely different things. While there is certainly a danger in becoming solely rational, there is also a danger in relying on our emotions as they can lead us into situations which will destroy us. What our emotions want to believe is what we force our rational to accept: the spouse who denies that the significant other is cheating on them, the individual who convinces themselves that the religious leader is correct despite all the evidence to the contrary, the person who knows they are ok in their life despite everyone warning them otherwise. It is a tough idea to balance; we cannot rely solely on our rational or our emotions. However, it is extremely important to realize that despite all our training, education, and intelligence, our emotions are usually stronger and can lead us in the wrong direction if we do not learn to control them.

Dale Carnegie summed up this important idea:

When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.

This is a positive thing, however, it is shows our fragility. If we do not learn to control our emotions, other people will control them for us.
The Importance of Gratitude

In many ways, we have become a society of complainers. We complain about our families, our friends, our jobs, and our overall situations. Nothing is enough for us. However, this focus on complaining in reality leaves us empty. The winners in life are the people that show gratitude. Gratitude brings about more gratitude, which brings about happiness, which brings about a better life. When we become cynics, whether it is about the government, religion, or society, it slowly destroys us inside. This is the ultimate danger of the ideologues whether it is Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Maher, or Michael Moore. More dangerous than the division it causes, all the complaining and bashing doesn’t give any hope, but ultimately leaves us with feelings of emptiness and cynicism.

Perhaps, it is because we have been given so much. Ironically, when we are given much, it often does not make us more grateful, but less grateful. I could see this plain and clear when I was teaching high school students in the United States. Many had been given so much that they failed to appreciate all they had around them. However, this not just a problem teenagers face, but the whole of our society. I suppose sometimes we have to do without to really understand all the blessings we have around us. In fact, unless we go without at times, we may never experience the joy and goodness all around us. Maybe, that is one reasons difficult situations come into our life- to make us grateful for the world around us, which is the only we will ever really have happiness.

Today, I decided to express my gratitude to two people around me and write them a short note. The first was my Sociology teacher when I was a freshman in college. Her class not only helped shape my career, but also shaped my life and my view on the world. The second person I wanted to thank was a pastor at Crossroads Church in Greenville, South Carolina whose church really helped me through a really rough time of transition during my life. When we are thankful in our beings, towards God, and to those around us, we will be transformed as individuals. We need to be especially grateful for those around us who have always cared for us which we may have taken for granted. If you read much about some of the most influential and successful people in life, you find they are the ones that find the positives in the situations and always find something to be grateful for. As Melodie Beattie states,

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

And as Cicero stated

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Finding the Balance Between Passivity and Unrestrained Power

profound. Basically, he stated we have to find a way to defend ourselves without losing our values and what we stand for. What hit me was not the political application, but the personal.

We are in a process of trying to defend ourselves, and rightly so. We all know people that are basically walked over their whole life, because they have not even learned to stand up for themselves and really fight for something in life. Though these people may appear nice at first, in reality, most people do not have much respect for them. The passivity which may at first seem attracting becomes quickly annoying. Then, there are those on the other side of the spectrum, who seek so greatly to defend themselves and their hearts that in the process they lose who they are. No matter whom their actions affect, it does not matter as long as they are safe and secure. As long as they don’t get hurt, they don’t really care who they hurt along the way.

I guess this strikes me so much, because it represents my life. I use to be a person extremely open and vulnerable, perhaps too much so. This caused me not to accomplish some of things I should have, nor succeed in many areas of my life. However, sometimes now I feel like I have gone to the other extreme. In the pursuit of protecting myself and my emotions, I have at times hurt those around me. You realize how easy it is to go from the victim to the person victimizing. It is a tough line to balance in life, and most of us find ourselves too far on one side or the other. We have to love ourselves and really try to defend ourselves; we cannot be doormats that people walk all over. However, in the process of building up our defenses and our strength, we cannot lose who we are. While never standing up for ourselves is a huge tragedy, using our strength to hurt others around us is also heartbreaking. I guess that is why Jesus said blessed are the meek. I really liked how Erin McManus put this beatitude,

“See, meekness is controlled strength. Its not the absence the strength. It’s not the lack of the strength. It’s not the lack of courage, ability, or power. Meekness assumes the strength….This isn’t about losing confidence or lacking power or courage or strength. In fact, it is about capturing it. This isn’t Jesus excuse or your way to live a life of passivity. Jesus isn’t commending those who live a life of cowardice…He is actually inviting us to take all our strength and place it under the submission of that which is good.”

And this is the key to life. If we don’t keep this balance we will either become victims of those around us or we will become the ones who victimize. While this is very applicable to government and politics, it is even more essential to us individuals. We have to use our strength to hold up our values and ideas not to let the defense of ourselves destroy those values and in the process, those around us.